Your Inability to Stay Calm Is Not the Problem.
Hi, my name is Victoria Kachinski, LICSW. At Shared Stories Counseling, I provide trauma-informed therapy to help you get out of survival mode, release what your body has been carrying after trauma, and reclaim your sense of self.
I’m passionate about supporting adult survivors of complex trauma in remembering one essential truth: Your inability to with stay emotionally regulated in toxic or oppressive situations is not the problem. At Shared Stories Counseling, I want my clients to feel validated and empowered to stop placing the blame on themselves for the harm caused by abusive people, toxic environments, and oppressive systems.
Many forms of psychotherapy focus heavily on emotional regulation and coping skill development. While those tools can be valuable, deeper healing requires more than just learning to calm down. I recognize that healing happens when we stand against the harm, abuse, and systemic oppression that keep us constantly fighting to stay emotionally regulated or calm.
Common Questions About Trauma and Emotional Safety
“If I’m not the problem, what is?”
The problem lies in unsafe environments and oppressive systems:
• Abusers and gaslighting
• Toxic work, school or family cultures
• Racism, sexism, xenophobia, and other forms of oppression
• Societal systems that undermine safety and dignity
“What happens when I feel unsafe? Why can’t I just relax?”
When you don’t feel safe, your nervous system goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This impacts your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If you live in a culture where your rights, safety, and security are threatened, staying calm becomes nearly impossible. You’re not “too sensitive”… you’re responding appropriately to danger.
“But people tell me I need to be less reactive or anxious. Surely I must be the the problem…”
No. Your dysregulation is a symptom of a much larger problem. Internalizing the belief that you’re the problem only adds more pain. At the same time, we do acknowledge that survival mode can unintentionally cause harm in relationships. That’s why part of trauma healing includes accountability, boundaries, and repair.
How to Remember This in a World That Tries to Blame You
The world may constantly tell you that you’re “too sensitive,” “not enough,” or “to blame” for your emotional struggles. Here’s how to resist those harmful narratives:
Work with a trauma-informed therapist who helps you zoom out and see the impact of larger systems on your nervous system.
Connect with community, friends, family who validates and affirms your experience
Try to implement environmental, lifestyle and relational changes that support your safety and confidence in your ability to manage stress
Release trauma stored in the body with approaches such as EMDR and Somatic Therapy.
Practice accountability by acknowledging when you’re dysregulated and make a plan to navigate future triggers in safer and healthier ways.
Community Healing Resources
Here are some resources for connection and healing:
• Trauma Sensitive Yoga (https://www.traumasensitiveyoga.com/facilitators)
• Just Bookish (https://www.justbook-ish.com/)
• Diaspora Mass (https://www.diasporamass.com/)
• Boston Liberation Center (https://www.instagram.com/bostonliberationcenter/)
• And Still We Rise (https://www.andstillwerise.us/group-therapy)
• Centro Presente (https://cpresente.org/?v=ae551853b692)
• BAGLY (https://www.bagly.org/)
• Out Metro-West (https://outmetrowest.org/)
• The Network / La Red (http://www.tnlr.org/en/)
• RIA (https://readyinspireact.org/)
• My Life, My Choice (https://www.mylifemychoice.org/)
• Indivisible (https://indivisible.org/)
Recommended Books
• Decolonizing Therapy by Jennifer Mullen, PsyD
• We Refuse by Kellie C. Jackson
• The Politics of Trauma by Staci K. Haines
• Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey
• My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem
